I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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