Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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