I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
