apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
