she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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