If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
