everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
