There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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