Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
