I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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