I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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