Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
