I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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