Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
