I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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