moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
