I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
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My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
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I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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