community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
