Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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