Cold hands, warm shart.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
