Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
