just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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