Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
