last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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