I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
