i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
