yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your thong is hanging out like whoa
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
