i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
