Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
