someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
