Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
