I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
