The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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