my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
