A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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