A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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