Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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