Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
