you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
