you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
