I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
