i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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