Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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