the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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