I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
