Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
