Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
