I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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