I wish I only lived at night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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