I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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