I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
