I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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