Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am one with the molecules
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
