I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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