Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
