Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't deserve a penis
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have post one night stand depression
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
